November 5, 2018
‘Sup buddy! How goes it? Are you having a good year? I sure am! Oddly and magnificently enough, I owe a lot of that to you. I apologize, however, because even though my blog is very lighthearted and oftentimes straight-up goofy, it’s about to get pretty serious and emotional–and depending on how you feel about pretty serious and emotional stuff, it might get kinda gross.
Today marks one year since I started recapping and reviewing Hallmark movies. Most importantly, today marks one year of me allowing myself to be creative again.
The past year, I have written 25 recaps plus 1 book review, been a podcast guest multiples times, fractured my tibia, wrote a book (and started writing another), made awesome new friends, watched a million Hallmark movies, doodled, panicked a fair amount, and decided that I really liked Indian food.
Shortly after my daughter was born, I bought a 5 year, question a day journal made specifically for moms. A little over a year ago, I was instructed to describe myself. I half-heartedly filled it out–something about being an awesome dancer, and needing potatoes or bread with every meal. I vividly remember arguing with myself. Do I say that I’m a writer? Do I even go as far to say that I like to write?
I sure didn’t feel like one. And I sure didn’t enjoy writing anymore. Not at all. How could the girl who basically screamed at everyone I LOVE TO WRITE, WRITING IS ALL I EVER WANT TO DO not want to write? How could the girl with a Creative Writing degree not even scribble the sentences I am a writer and I love to write in her personal diary?
The truth is that I wanted to write. Desperately. But, writing was no longer fun, and was pretty much torture. For years, the only thing that I had written–and rewritten–was about my struggles with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), anxiety, depression, and trying to figure out how God fit into all of it. This was an important thing that I had to figure out for myself (Bible study has been a life changer), but staring in panic at a bright screen with only my fears as a resource was not the way I needed to do that. So, I gave up writing. I let OCD and its sidekicks win and I did everything I could to avoid one of the things I had always felt I was made to do.
As long as I can remember, Christmas has been a thing that could bring me a bit of peace. I will wear socks or shirts with Santa’s face on them in April, read books set during the holidays in July, and watch Christmas movies whenever I darn well please. This is where Hallmark comes into play. Hallmark Christmas movies have always brought me so much joy (and a few inside jokes with my husband and parents). They are packed with Christmas decorations, traditions and cheer, and happy endings. These movies make me so very happy, and allow my mind a couple of hours to just…breathe a bit. When your brain is constantly gasping for air this kind of break is nice. This kind of break is welcome.
In November of 2017, after not having access to the Hallmark Channel for a few years, I convinced my husband to get Sling TV (not an #ad) so I could revel in all of the Countdown to Christmas goodness. And…it was amazing! I was so hyped up on gingerbread competitions, tree-trimming, and last-minute kisses in the snow, that I was inspired to write recaps and reviews about the movies that make me so happy. Writing about something light and positive brought joy back into it. It made writing fun. I wanted to write! It–if I’m allowed to go this far–was a miracle.
Honestly, it is a miracle that I’m writing again. When your mind is cluttered with possible disaster scenarios and ways to prevent them from happening, it’s difficult to want to spend anymore time with yourself. But, now, I’m allowing myself some room to write about something lighter. I write all of the time now. I draw! In the biggest miracle of them all, I wrote a book. Approximately 70,000 words that are related to each other. Who knows if anything will come of it, but I got it to a place where I could type The End, and I am pretty proud of that.
This year, when my question a day journal asked me to describe myself, I confidently–and in all caps–called myself a writer. That would not have happened without Hallmark, their movies, and the community surrounding them that they treat so well. I am forever, sincerely, thankful.
With much love and gratitude,