“Royal Matchmaker” Recap & Review

I absolutely love Hallmark movies. Everything I say is out of this undying, appreciative, in awe type of love. Yes, I make fun of them, but my husband and I make fun of each other all of the time, and we are annoyingly in love.

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Kate Gleason (Joy Lenz) is the ❤ Queen of Hearts ❤ ! Not in the deck of cards type of way, but in the ~Matchmaker to the Stars~ type of way. She

• has her own successful firm, True Love Matchmaking
• leaves weddings early to eat candy bars
• seems pretty delightful.

But, for some reason, she hasn’t found the King of Her Heart.

Prince Sebastian (Will Kemp), the Prince of Voldavia, needs to make his country and father proud, and wife somebody already!

I personally do not care if anyone in our government gets married. I’d never be like wow, i’m so proud, look at them! they’re so capable of love. The only well-known people that I’d SCREAM about if they got together would be Mindy Kaling and B.J. Novak. I’d be so proud that I’d comment “mom & dad” on one of their Instagram posts like the kids do nowadays (I will never understand why people do this, and I’m still young-ish).

But, back to ole’ Prince Sebbie. He

• loves to travel
• drives a fast, miniature, red vroom vroom!
• “has never been photographed with the same woman twice.”

Princey Sebbie’s valet, Victor (Joseph Thompson), is a meddler in the most Hallmark grandma, mother-in-law, mob of townspeople way possible. Victor takes it upon himself to contact Kate’s matchmaking company in hopes that she can find Sebastian love.

He, also, has a son, and needs to fall in love with Britney.

Britney (Brittany Bristow) is Kate’s assistant at True Love Matchmaking. She is very good at wearing awesome glasses without looking like she is trying very hard at being very good at wearing awesome glasses.

She, also, is very good at her job and needs to fall in love with Victor.

Help, I cannot stop typing very good.

Now, I want you to imagine how you would act if you were FaceTiming someone you didn’t know. Probably giggle nervously? Maybe pull out the double hand wave? Overuse “uhhhhhhhh, ummmmmm?” Now, add a King to the equation.

I am in awe of Kate and Britney, because I would’ve quickly burrowed under my desk like I was Punxsutawney Phil predicting 6 more weeks of winter–which is more time than the King has given Kate to find Prince Sebastian his one true love.

The Rules

1. She has 4 weeks to find him love before The Royal Jubilee Celebration.
2. Cannot set him up with a commoner.
3. Must say Your Majesty every 10 seconds.

If she is successful, The King will tell the world she found his son love, and promote her firm like a walking sponsored Instagram #ad.

Once in Voldavia, Kate and Britney drive up to the most gorgeous Hallmark movie castle I have ever seen. Like, woah.

Woah.

Victor calls up Sebastian on an iPhone to tell him that the King needs to see him immediately. Sorry, but I can’t get over this image. Or the fact that the King FaceTimed someone earlier. And that Victor called True Love Matchmaking because he found their info on a website. I feel like royals in made up countries shouldn’t use modern technology, and that Victor needed to get ahold of Sebastian by semaphore or just yelling from one of the castle’s turrets. I also feel like there should be zero electricity in this movie.

Under a very large chandelier, Sebastian meets with the King and Kate. It is all painfully awkward.

• Sebastian had no idea this was going to happen.
• Poor Kate can tell she’s going to have to put in overtime to make anyone fall in love with him.
• Sebastian acts like a royal turd.

After their disastrous first meeting, Kate and Your Highness have dinner at opposite ends of a 3,000 foot table. He still won’t open up, except for telling Kate that he doesn’t believe in love.

This is going so well!!

Kate and Britney stumble across a community center that needs saving. They buy hot cocoa in an attempt to get the place heat or after school programs or something. They also meet a woman, Loraine, that tells Kate her life story:

Divorce + What am I doing with my life + Need a passion + Yay found passion = She’s pretty much already gotten her own personal Hallmark movie, so that’s probably the last we’ll see of her!

Because Sebastian isn’t helping at all, Britney tries to get info from Valet Victor, the man who knows Sebastian better than Sebastian knows himself.

However, Victor is like: sorry I’m not going to give you any information about the prince because I can’t betray him even though I contacted you behind his back to help find him love! But, he realizes he’s being inconsistent and says that he’ll gather up some info for them.

Even though they are showing no signs of having any chemistry whatsoever, I am still shipping Britney and Victor for love story line #2.

After seeing some of the hotties Kate has on her Matchmaker Map, Sebastian decides to tear down his haughty facade. He agrees to go on Kate and Sebastian’s Big Day Out! so Kate can get to know him better.

Spoiler Alert: there are no musical numbers 😦

Instead Kate finds out, from a picture supplied by Victor, that Sebastian loves to volunteer all over the world. He doesn’t help out in Voldavia because the work becomes more about him and less about the people in need. I respect that.

Prince Sebastian visits the community center with Kate and Victor. Loraine–oh, hey, Loraine, surprised to see you again, thought you were just a plot device to show how easily people open up to Kate–explains to Sebastian all that needs to be fixed. He decides that he wants to come back to help fix the place up himself. What a prince!

Meanwhile, Loraine and Victor recognize each other from high school, and reminisce and giggle

• and oh my gosh what are they doing
• no really what are they doing
• it was supposed to be Britney
• oh nooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Did I say oh noooooooooo?????

But, Kate disregards my feelings and tries to set that relationship into motion. Oh, Kate.

Sebastian channels Pippa from Coming Home for Christmas and flat out asks Kate why she’s single. A single matchmaker? Must be something wrong with you! She says she knows that true love exists, but still doesn’t know what she wants in another person.

It’s montage time!

• Kate interviews bachelorettes.
• Sebastian construction works.
• Kate keeps pushing Victor towards Loraine.

Not unlike Millionaire Matchmaker, Kate throws a cocktail party for Prince Sebastian to mingle with the final three choices. She also must explain to Sebastian what it’s like to get butterflies in your stomach. He honestly had no idea!

Guess what! He didn’t get butterflies with any of the women!

These things happen:

• Victor asks Loraine out.
• I realize Loraine is nice.
• THE ROYAL JUBILEE CELEBRATION IS DAYS AWAY.
• But, it’s okay because Kate nabs Petra Petrovich for a date with the Prince.

Things are looking up because Sebastian seems to like Petra, but Kate makes this face of realization:

Guess what? Kate loves Sebastian! Kate loves Sebastian! Of course, she denies this and walks around the castle in bunny slippers eating dessert, her eyes wild and nervous like a rabbit who just heard Elmer Fudd exclaim “It’s rabbit season!”

Sebastian gushes, I mean gushes, about how great things are with Petra. He’s got a cocoon in his stomach that just might turn into a million tiny butterflies!

And, so, as Kate accepts that she loves Sebastian and turns into Elle Woods crying in her bed, Sebastian introduces Petra to the King. He’s going to propose to Petra at The Royal Jubilee Celebration.

It’s The Royal Jubilee Celebration!

• There are ballgowns!
• There is dancing!
• There is Britney without her glasses!
• There is Kate escaping to the train station??

Sebastian is taken aback by a gold butterfly pin on Petra, a gift from Kate. And that is all that he can think about. Where is Kate!

I already told you: the train station.

Because my baby is about to wake up from her nap, bring on more bullet points!

• Prince Sebastian announces that he is going to save the community center.
• Petra is like “you sure talk about Kate a lot” and gives Prince Sebbie the butterfly pin so he can give it to his true love.
• The King fetches Kate at the train station, and she goes back with him!
• Victor and Loraine kiss.
• Britney has a look of approval–and it’s a smack in my face.
• Kate glides into the ballroom and Prince Sebbie is like woah girl.
• Sebastian proposes with the butterfly pin.
• Kate accepts!
• They dance and kiss!
• Theeee end!

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I rate Royal Matchmaker Butterfly Clips which is a 4/5 on my scale of Butterflies.

The Scale

1. That time in 8th grade I wrote something for class and described being anxious as “my stomach acted as a net and caught every nervous butterfly” and my best friend said it was cheesy. I was 12, what do you want from me?! Spoiler alert: best friends not forever.
2. Framed butterfly collections 😦
3. An actual stick of butter flying
4. Butterfly clips
5. Kacey Musgraves’ Butterflies ❤

Royal Matchmaker was sweet! Joy Lenz is so likable. Will Kemp made a stuffy prince so likable. As a pair, they were (you guessed it!) so likable.

I wish that Britney had a match, and that Victor was that match. I will admit that many of my rage tweets about them not getting together were fueled by my prediction of them falling in love being wrong. I do not like being wrong. It’s kind of funny because as much as we complain about Hallmark movies being predictable, we sure get mad when our predictions are incorrect.

I will now go put myself in time out, because I deserve it.

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Thanks for reading! Let me know what you thought of Royal Matchmaker!